An anachronistic Detroit suburb across the water from Windsor, Canada: the French colonized it, the English squandered it and automakers made it famous. Its zenith was in the mid-20th Century when the confluence of the motor car as a primary modus operandi coincided with the Arsenal of Democracy’s industrial production capacity creating jobs, wealth and the social and political stressors that precipitated the largest municipal bankruptcy in US history. In July of 2013, Detroit was declared insolvent. Enter the Jones Day law firm. A decade later, it’s a latent memory. Grosse Pointers eschew change, appreciate reserve and enjoy a good party. As the year winds down, here are some of the risible events taking place in a place that time forgets.
Grade school student bodies voted overwhelmingly to re-institute two recess periods per day across all four grades. Previously, 3rd and 4th graders were only permitted afternoon recess. Off-the-record, one administrator said that this may be the only election that avoids recall petitions and threats of litigation.
City Councils representing The Hill and the Village will consider funding programs to make holiday shopping less quotidian: free valet parking and complimentary personal assistants will allow visitors to pursue ‘one thing’ while shopping assistants chase down ‘the other.’ Asked what sort of multi-tasking this enables, one resident said “Wasting time is a luxury. Wasting my time is a crime.”
An Italian freighter carrying wheat got stuck in the Detroit River north of GM World Headquarters. For a day and a half, two tugs tried to displace her before news cameras to no avail. The answer? The maritime equivalent of “more cowbell” — the addition of a third tugboat wrestled the Barbo G. free from the river bottom. Is there really such a thing as a ‘light’ pasta?
Fix the Damn Roads! officially entered the Michigan Charter this year as a perpetual entitlement program benefitting road construction companies. Marking the event, the Michigan DOT will sell 16 oz. mini-construction barrel cups. Order a set of eight with your license tab renewal in 2024.
Protests over water and sewage rates raised a pitch at a recent city council meeting — sewage treatment cost 25% more than water delivery. “It’s obvious what’s worthless should not be priced higher than what’s worth more,” one resident argued. Council rebuffed the rank sophistry of the complaint with their expressions alone. Treating waste water is more time and materially expensive than delivering water from an abundant and plentiful source — the Great Lakes. “What kind of crap is this?” another interjected. “Frankly, it’s yours,” a member of council retorted. Note the flat charge — the ‘dark matter’ of municipal water billing.
Tire pressure enthusiasts have become a nuisance for local repair shops. In addition to a digital gauge on the compressor, motorists are fixated on the car sensor readouts adding to increased wait times at ‘free air’ facilities. Filling stations and tire repair facilities will consider a time limit for air compressor use or a price per pound of air charge to discourage ‘nth degree’ inflation fanatics. Pressure is a function of temperature, so get your winter settings at ≈ 32F dialed in. We won’t see the mid -60s until March of next year — except next week, and then in January followed by a pipe bursting cold front … followed by a road busting thaw.
Local restaurants are investigating the ‘Flyleaf effect’ occasioned by the multi-floored book themed brasserie, Flyleaf Grosse Pointe. Are consumption and comprehension directly or inversely related? Current drinker / reader data shows about ten pages read for every standard drink. McKinsey to study whether comprehension increases or decreases over a year’s time and whether seasonality impacts consumption, comprehension or both. Look for bibliophiles at reception stations and behind the bars at local establishments along with book themed check folios, coasters and specialty cocktails — “Dewar’s Decimal,” “Grisham’s Gimlet,” “Sedaris’ Sazerac” (non-alcoholic) and “Self-helpless.”
The only night of the week that could not be confused with mandatory sports viewing until Superbowl Sunday is Tuesday where Disney+/ABC airs their take on physical spectacle replete with rabid fandom, questionable calls and nail biter finishes — Dancing With the Stars.
This season, the Mirrorball went to Gomez and Chmerkovsky. Now, the Tuesday slot will feature holiday treacle through Christmas and some New Year’s ‘rah rah’ segments hosted by fur-hooded hosts with admirable dentition. Filling out the rest of the 58+ hours of content available per day will be the AFC and NFC playoff games and Bowl games and the ‘Spite Bowl’ featuring Georgia and Florida State.
NBC will air Frank Capra’s sleeper hit, “It’s a Wonderful Life” on Christmas Eve. The picture tanked when it opened in 1946 and became a classic after the studio failed to renew the copyright in 1974. Once in the public domain, local networks aired it (at no cost to the broadcasters) to fill airtime thus acculturating generations to George Bailey’s redemption story. Mr. Beast plans on re-enacting George Bailey’s spastic holiday run through Bedford Falls on ketamine to mimic the histrionics of Stewart’s performance, and the charity basket will be in the millions. Bailey needed a mere $8,000 to avoid bankruptcy. Look for media pundits to call out Mr. Beast’s ‘charity washing.’
The cable bill includes a Broadcast TV Fee plus a Regional Sports Fee. Isn’t the whole point of advertiser supported programming on network TV to deliver the programming for free? It’s the ultimate quid pro quo — viewers passively receive brand messages while distractedly watching shows. Streaming services are buttressing subscriber revenues with ad supported versions of their premium content (because they’re not breaking even), and we’re paying for ad-supported network programming. This is like meeting a stickup man after you’ve discovered your debit card has been hacked. Traditional broadcast networks exist for one reason — live sports. And the only reason people pay for bundled cable services is so that they can complain about it - ipso facto.
2024 is an election year well beyond the 14th District in Michigan that encompasses the Grosse Pointes. It’s the least looked forward to event since Y2K, and, regrettably, voting for President will have more impact than the overblown warnings of computer clocks malfunctioning en-mass. Sibling text chains are full of admonitions to avoid talking about “isms” or schools or religion, the military, where your running shoes come from, etc. during holiday get-togethers. Are we ready for salvos of anti-candidate, PAC supported dreck that will put the worst network dramas to shame? Will ‘The Rock’ run for President? Will Netflix green light a movie that rests control of the White House on the outcome of a street race between a righteously aggrieved Vin Diesel-type and a Gavin Newsome look alike? The tempest of the times encourages not just Grosse Pointers but people throughout the country to conceal their thoughts and ignore the Gordian knot of a choice between inevitability and insanity. Three states will decide the outcome: Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Michigan. Not looking forward to this. Thankfully, we still have the holiday to get through.
